A shadowy figure in a hooded cloak moves quietly between the gravestones. A misty slither of fog hangs lightly above the overgrown weeds of the once well-trodden cemetery grounds. The figure stops amidst an above ground tomb. Removing a crowbar from somewhere within the cloak, the figure begins to pry at the ancient, heavy stone slab that lays atop the tomb. With great effort the stone slab begins to slide glacially across the top of the tomb. The innards of the ancient grave are too dark to see within. A withered, broken grin is revealed across the face of the figure in the cloak. He removes a curved silver dagger, gripping it in the hand opposite the torch. Throwing back his head he shouts to the vast vacuumed starlight in a long-dead tongue. Raising the dagger, he plunges it deep into his chest, cackling madly as he moves to set himself ablaze with the torch. A bloodied, cackling, ball of flame collapses upon the lid of the cracked tomb. A thin stream of boiling blood runs from the mortal wound and disappears within the opening. An explosion bursts the tomb and the dead figure into countless pieces of charred flesh and powdered stone. As the dust settles, barely lit by the light of the pock-marked moon and the last flames of chunks of charred flesh, standing amidst the graves of the dead, we see the risen form of…
THE YE OLDE BASTARD’S FILM REVIEW!
Boo, fuckers.
Mary spent most of the past month awash in the exhaustion and nausea of the first trimester. So, what did I spend my evenings doing? What every supportive husband would do: watched a shit ton of horror films.
Much of the films I watched were connected to the return of the great Joe Bob Briggs. He had a few shows back in the day that were the Elvira-style horror movie hosted type. I think Monstervision was the one that always came on late night TNT. Anyways he returned to Shudder to revive his show and it is splendid. Which, by the way, now that Filmstruck is dead, if you still got streaming money to spare, get Shudder now. It is lovely.
So here’s the lineup (some re-watched, some seen for the first time):
Tourist Trap
This was a new one for me. Very surprised at how atmospheric this film was. College “kids” breakdown on the side of the road. Enter old roadside attraction that’s been slow on business “ever since the Interstate closed.” Old man keeps popping up. Lots of creepy ass dolls and a killer that looks like that weird cross-dressing Leatherface in “Texas Chainsaw: The Next Generation”.
Sleepaway Camp
Rewatched
Oh the simple, fucked up politics of “Sleepaway Camp”. Dress like a lady? You’re crazy enough to kill a fool.
Rabid
David Cronenberg directs Marilyn Chambers as a woman who kills dudes with a protruding, bloodthirsty monster in her armpit. I’m sure it’s supposed to mean something, but...
The Prowler
For some reason this movie is set partly in the 1940s. Then flashforward to modern day. Some dude kills people with a pitchfork. Tom Savini did the special effects and you can never go wrong with that (knife through the head and out the bottom of the mouth! creative!)
Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama
I remember looking at the cover of this movie decades ago in the unfortunately named BJ Video (which I’m sure many a shady Morgan Hillites ventured into only to be disappointed by their obvious lack of a “beaded section”). It was this movies cover and name and the cover of “Ghoulies” (I couldn’t sit on a fucking toilet for weeks. I’m serious. I used to hold on to the sides and hover over the seat just to keep an eye out for those little fuckers. I finally saw Ghoulies recently and was saddened by its lack of actual Ghoulies through most of the film. I digress…)
Anyways, “Slimeball” sucked. Bad Revenge of the Nerds rip-off. Includes a semi-Jamaican puppet who may be a racist stereotype, but the accent is so inconsistent it’s tough to tell. Plus, for some bizarre reason they never have the puppet in the same shot as ANY of the other actors. It’s always just shot awkwardly sitting on a shelf or something. It’s just a weird boner-comedy about just a couple of dudes trying to get laid. Plus, there’s no actual Bowl-O-Rama so...I don’t know...
Daughters of Darkness
This was a nicely dubbed, artsy vampire film. Sort of reminded me of Paul Morrissey's movies (“Flesh for Frankenstein” and “Blood for Dracula”), just not as nihilistic.
Blood Feast
Rewatched
The idea of a Herschell Gordon Lewis’ movie (like this one or “2,000 Maniacs” or “The Wizard of Gore”) is always better than the actual thing. He was a cranky business man just trying to give these punk-ass kids what they wanted. Very Roger Corman-esque. This one has some genuinely shocking scenes for like a second or two. Appreciate them more than enjoy (much like the entirety of the Something Weird catalog)
Reanimator
Rewatched (of course)...
Jeffrey Combs is still the shit in this movie. Some parts have not aged very well. The raping cunniligus by zombie-severed head scene doesn’t ring as “badass” as it may once have been. Did you know that Stuart Gordon wrote the original story for “Honey, I Shrunk the Kids”? Well, I did not.
Demons
Motherfucker rides a motorcycle up and down the aisles of a movie theater wielding a samurai sword and cutting up zombies...or demons...?
I’ll just let Joe Bob Briggs explain the wonderful history of the Demons “franchise”.
The Legend of Boggy Creek
With it’s legit Arkansas natives and weird 70’s-folky soundtrack (apparently written and performed by the director under a pseudonym), this movie has a weird tone that really pulls you in. Much of it is shot at sundown magic hour and that seems very fitting for some reason.
Hellraiser
Rewatched
This is one of those rare films that has such an iconic character, Pinhead, who does not show up until the very end, but I actually prefer that. It’s such a small story: woman has lover come back from hell to creep around in the attic of their new house and orders her to bring him men for him to consume. Her dumbass husband don’t know shit and he ends up dead too. Then the Cenobites show up (Butterball!)
Pieces
This is a shit movie from Spain where all the women are dumb and...I didn’t like it. The best thing about it is its tagline "It's exactly what you think it is" So, at least you know what you're in for.
Nightbreed
I’ve never seen this! Holy shit! After watching Hellraiser again, I wanted to seek out this other one by Clive Barker. Equal parts adventure, horror, epic. I was really impressed with how fleshed out (can you hear the Cryptkeeper cackling somewhere?) the world of this movie was. Creature designs were awesome and it just was an overall fun movie to watch. Bonus scene -chewing role for David Cronenberg
The Old Dark House
Old Boris Karloff movie. He plays the “monster” as an old butler at the old dark house. A bunch of fucking loud mouths run their car off the road and have to spend the night in the house with the weird aristocratic siblings. What makes Karloff a monster? Apparently he’s a mean drunk. Seriously. The main monster in this film is just a stumbling drunk who breaks shit and gets rough with the guests.
Burning Moon
Fuck this movie. This is one of the ugliest things I’ve seen in awhile. Shot of video. Low budget extreme horror done by some german special effects artist (who also plays the main “kid”). I remember seeing a scene from this film while watching one of those “Traces of Death” videos in high school. It is ugly and totally devoid of any meaning beyond just trying to shock. It sucks and actually put me off watching horror for a bit. I’ve seen some shit, I tell you what, but something about this one made me just say no thanks.
Halloween 3
Rewatched
But all is well with this wonderful gem of the season! I have always loved this entry. Except for the original, I have no need for Michael Myers movies. Was very glad they took a chance to move away from him for this film. That commercial song has been stuck in my head for weeks. I like the playful sortof fuck-you tagline here too: The Night No One Came Home
Garfield’s Halloween Adventure
Rewatched
Sat my kids down and soberly told them that it was time to watch this. That I was sorry that they will inevitably be up for months with night terrors, but watching this movie is truly a rite of passage. They were mildly engaged.
Well, who gives a shit. I still love the hell out of this special. I mean it when I say there is something about the opening scene when Garfield is woken up at dawn and screamed at Binky the Clown on TV. It seems to perfectly catch the feeling you get when watching TV way too late into the night or way to early in the morning. That and the pirate ghosts and the old man in the chair and that fucking theme song and pulling up the ghost sheet to reveal giant monster legs and and and and...on and on forevermore.
Frankenweenie
Rewatched
This was the closing film of the season. I watched this with the kiddos and Mary on Halloween. They were looking for a spooky movie and this just seemed right. I forgot how great this film is. Shot in that same beautiful black and white that Tim Burton did so well in the days before someone gave him a fucking computer.
My only qualm about the movie is the ending. Spoiler for Frankenweenie: the dog “lives”. There’s a moment when Frankenweenie “dies” again. Victor, his boy owner, hugs him and whispers his gratitude for having shared the time that he did with his dog. Victor turns away and walks into the loving embrace of mother and father. Perfect. Done. A beautiful way to explore death and letting go and something so adult that we all must someday face and why not show that it can be done with a sense of finality and beauty and...oh wait the dog got back up. Oh. Oh he’s fine. Nevermind. Sorry kids. I guess the message is...death is not final? So, Grandma is coming back? I feel this was not Burton’s original ending and it was some bullshit that Disney pushed on the film.
Anyways, the film was otherwise awesome. I just feel they missed an opportunity to do something special with this story.
Alright. So, back into the crypt it goes. Not to arise for another decade. Only when there is no more room in Hell will the Ye Olde Bastards walk among us once more.
This review was written while drinking Elysian Dayglow IPA
THE YE OLDE BASTARD’S FILM REVIEW!
Boo, fuckers.
Mary spent most of the past month awash in the exhaustion and nausea of the first trimester. So, what did I spend my evenings doing? What every supportive husband would do: watched a shit ton of horror films.
Much of the films I watched were connected to the return of the great Joe Bob Briggs. He had a few shows back in the day that were the Elvira-style horror movie hosted type. I think Monstervision was the one that always came on late night TNT. Anyways he returned to Shudder to revive his show and it is splendid. Which, by the way, now that Filmstruck is dead, if you still got streaming money to spare, get Shudder now. It is lovely.
So here’s the lineup (some re-watched, some seen for the first time):
Tourist Trap
This was a new one for me. Very surprised at how atmospheric this film was. College “kids” breakdown on the side of the road. Enter old roadside attraction that’s been slow on business “ever since the Interstate closed.” Old man keeps popping up. Lots of creepy ass dolls and a killer that looks like that weird cross-dressing Leatherface in “Texas Chainsaw: The Next Generation”.
Sleepaway Camp
Rewatched
Oh the simple, fucked up politics of “Sleepaway Camp”. Dress like a lady? You’re crazy enough to kill a fool.
Rabid
David Cronenberg directs Marilyn Chambers as a woman who kills dudes with a protruding, bloodthirsty monster in her armpit. I’m sure it’s supposed to mean something, but...
The Prowler
For some reason this movie is set partly in the 1940s. Then flashforward to modern day. Some dude kills people with a pitchfork. Tom Savini did the special effects and you can never go wrong with that (knife through the head and out the bottom of the mouth! creative!)
Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama
I remember looking at the cover of this movie decades ago in the unfortunately named BJ Video (which I’m sure many a shady Morgan Hillites ventured into only to be disappointed by their obvious lack of a “beaded section”). It was this movies cover and name and the cover of “Ghoulies” (I couldn’t sit on a fucking toilet for weeks. I’m serious. I used to hold on to the sides and hover over the seat just to keep an eye out for those little fuckers. I finally saw Ghoulies recently and was saddened by its lack of actual Ghoulies through most of the film. I digress…)
Anyways, “Slimeball” sucked. Bad Revenge of the Nerds rip-off. Includes a semi-Jamaican puppet who may be a racist stereotype, but the accent is so inconsistent it’s tough to tell. Plus, for some bizarre reason they never have the puppet in the same shot as ANY of the other actors. It’s always just shot awkwardly sitting on a shelf or something. It’s just a weird boner-comedy about just a couple of dudes trying to get laid. Plus, there’s no actual Bowl-O-Rama so...I don’t know...
Daughters of Darkness
This was a nicely dubbed, artsy vampire film. Sort of reminded me of Paul Morrissey's movies (“Flesh for Frankenstein” and “Blood for Dracula”), just not as nihilistic.
Blood Feast
Rewatched
The idea of a Herschell Gordon Lewis’ movie (like this one or “2,000 Maniacs” or “The Wizard of Gore”) is always better than the actual thing. He was a cranky business man just trying to give these punk-ass kids what they wanted. Very Roger Corman-esque. This one has some genuinely shocking scenes for like a second or two. Appreciate them more than enjoy (much like the entirety of the Something Weird catalog)
Reanimator
Rewatched (of course)...
Jeffrey Combs is still the shit in this movie. Some parts have not aged very well. The raping cunniligus by zombie-severed head scene doesn’t ring as “badass” as it may once have been. Did you know that Stuart Gordon wrote the original story for “Honey, I Shrunk the Kids”? Well, I did not.
Demons
Motherfucker rides a motorcycle up and down the aisles of a movie theater wielding a samurai sword and cutting up zombies...or demons...?
I’ll just let Joe Bob Briggs explain the wonderful history of the Demons “franchise”.
The Legend of Boggy Creek
With it’s legit Arkansas natives and weird 70’s-folky soundtrack (apparently written and performed by the director under a pseudonym), this movie has a weird tone that really pulls you in. Much of it is shot at sundown magic hour and that seems very fitting for some reason.
Hellraiser
Rewatched
This is one of those rare films that has such an iconic character, Pinhead, who does not show up until the very end, but I actually prefer that. It’s such a small story: woman has lover come back from hell to creep around in the attic of their new house and orders her to bring him men for him to consume. Her dumbass husband don’t know shit and he ends up dead too. Then the Cenobites show up (Butterball!)
Pieces
This is a shit movie from Spain where all the women are dumb and...I didn’t like it. The best thing about it is its tagline "It's exactly what you think it is" So, at least you know what you're in for.
Nightbreed
I’ve never seen this! Holy shit! After watching Hellraiser again, I wanted to seek out this other one by Clive Barker. Equal parts adventure, horror, epic. I was really impressed with how fleshed out (can you hear the Cryptkeeper cackling somewhere?) the world of this movie was. Creature designs were awesome and it just was an overall fun movie to watch. Bonus scene -chewing role for David Cronenberg
The Old Dark House
Old Boris Karloff movie. He plays the “monster” as an old butler at the old dark house. A bunch of fucking loud mouths run their car off the road and have to spend the night in the house with the weird aristocratic siblings. What makes Karloff a monster? Apparently he’s a mean drunk. Seriously. The main monster in this film is just a stumbling drunk who breaks shit and gets rough with the guests.
Burning Moon
Fuck this movie. This is one of the ugliest things I’ve seen in awhile. Shot of video. Low budget extreme horror done by some german special effects artist (who also plays the main “kid”). I remember seeing a scene from this film while watching one of those “Traces of Death” videos in high school. It is ugly and totally devoid of any meaning beyond just trying to shock. It sucks and actually put me off watching horror for a bit. I’ve seen some shit, I tell you what, but something about this one made me just say no thanks.
Halloween 3
Rewatched
But all is well with this wonderful gem of the season! I have always loved this entry. Except for the original, I have no need for Michael Myers movies. Was very glad they took a chance to move away from him for this film. That commercial song has been stuck in my head for weeks. I like the playful sortof fuck-you tagline here too: The Night No One Came Home
Garfield’s Halloween Adventure
Rewatched
Sat my kids down and soberly told them that it was time to watch this. That I was sorry that they will inevitably be up for months with night terrors, but watching this movie is truly a rite of passage. They were mildly engaged.
Well, who gives a shit. I still love the hell out of this special. I mean it when I say there is something about the opening scene when Garfield is woken up at dawn and screamed at Binky the Clown on TV. It seems to perfectly catch the feeling you get when watching TV way too late into the night or way to early in the morning. That and the pirate ghosts and the old man in the chair and that fucking theme song and pulling up the ghost sheet to reveal giant monster legs and and and and...on and on forevermore.
Frankenweenie
Rewatched
This was the closing film of the season. I watched this with the kiddos and Mary on Halloween. They were looking for a spooky movie and this just seemed right. I forgot how great this film is. Shot in that same beautiful black and white that Tim Burton did so well in the days before someone gave him a fucking computer.
My only qualm about the movie is the ending. Spoiler for Frankenweenie: the dog “lives”. There’s a moment when Frankenweenie “dies” again. Victor, his boy owner, hugs him and whispers his gratitude for having shared the time that he did with his dog. Victor turns away and walks into the loving embrace of mother and father. Perfect. Done. A beautiful way to explore death and letting go and something so adult that we all must someday face and why not show that it can be done with a sense of finality and beauty and...oh wait the dog got back up. Oh. Oh he’s fine. Nevermind. Sorry kids. I guess the message is...death is not final? So, Grandma is coming back? I feel this was not Burton’s original ending and it was some bullshit that Disney pushed on the film.
Anyways, the film was otherwise awesome. I just feel they missed an opportunity to do something special with this story.
Alright. So, back into the crypt it goes. Not to arise for another decade. Only when there is no more room in Hell will the Ye Olde Bastards walk among us once more.
This review was written while drinking Elysian Dayglow IPA
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